Seeking a compromise is a reaction to something your partner did you find objectionable or intolerable:

  • your wife is late getting ready for dinner
  • your husband puts his clothes next to the laundry basket, not in it.

And so you sit them down to talk about how we can compromise:

  • she goes in the shower first, even though she makes a mess, so that you can be on time;
  • he is the one who will always be doing the laundry, even though you know he doesn’t do it right.

But are you sure that the place deep down within yourself from which this annoyance comes is genuine? Are you confident that this annoyance is not but a mere product of your unexamined character? Are you sure that what you find objectionable is not a symptom, or a side effect, of that which you most love about this person but you are too blind to see it?

Of course, your wife is always late… She is riding the wave of her feminine energy and she’s deeply inspired to look as beautiful as she can for you. She feels whole, loving, radiant. In her magnificent world, the concept of time does not exist; she is one with it.

Of course, your husband is negligent with the laundry basket… He is grounded in his masculine energy, focused on whatever task preoccupies his attention. He is working on a problem, in service of a goal greater than himself, so, in his purpose-fuelled world, he does not even notice the nuisance that the clothes next to the laundry basket are.

So, is your annoyance justified and calibrated? Is it worth crushing an expression of your partner’s essence – be it masculine or feminine – so that you are not 10 minutes late or so that you don’t pick up a sock?

Maybe it is… Maybe your annoyance comes from a place of deep connection with your partner. Maybe that which you find annoying is not an expression of your partner’s essence and depth and so a compromise is warranted.

But maybe – more often than not, I’d argue – your annoyance is not justified and calibrated. Maybe your annoyance is triggered by your own shallowness or, God forbid, by some corrupt desire for power and control, and so you assault – consciously or not – any expression of your partner’s essence. And, over time, your partner’s essence – their true gift for you; that which you most love – will diminish. And one day, as if all of a sudden, you will ‘fall out of love’ because your partner ‘is not the same’.

Thus, compromises can be a vicious, often unintended, slash across the open, vulnerable soul of your partner, across their core essence. But when compromises are approached reflectively, they have the potential to deepen the connection.

Compromise reflectively!