We use shortcuts all the time.

We see an old, white-bearded guy and think he must be wise. But there are plenty of old guys that are not wise and plenty of young people who are.

We see a senior manager who does a lot of projects with junior colleagues and we think he’s a good mentor. But we might miss the fact that he’s just good at attracting junior colleagues to work for him but he’s terrible at actually mentoring them.

We notice that a night out can lead to cheating so when our significant other wants to go drinking or dancing, we start worrying about infidelity.

But in all of those cases, we focus on the shortcut, the proxy, rather than our true desire:

  • we want to find wisdom so we focus on age;
  • we want a good mentor so we focus on the number of junior collaborators;
  • we want a faithful partner, so we deny them the option to go out.

As useful as these proxies can be most of the time, in decisions that truly matter, we must remember that they are only proxies. We must optimize for what we truly desire – wisdom, mentorship, faithfulness – rather than its proxy.

After all, imagine if you optimized for the proxy but that led you astray:

  • you find an old, unwise guy, stuck in his ways;
  • you find a nasty mentor who has no time for you as he has too many projects going on;
  • you deny your partner their genuine interests rendering them even more unsatisfied in the relationship, and thus, ironically enough, even more likely to cheat

Proxies are only useful if you know they are proxies.