When it comes to romantic relationships (perhaps not only), each of us has a representation of the Other, i.e. a box. This box contains the average of what we have experienced throughout life. This could include personal experience, but also other relationships/parents, books, movies etc.
A woman has a box for the Man: this box is the average of what she has experienced throughout her life from men. A problem may arise when she encounters a man who does not fit this box: while this can be amazing, it can also be destabilizing. In some cases, the woman can seek ways to put the man back in the box she has for him (mostly unconsciously) in order to return to homeostasis*; this can be disheartening to the man who doesn’t fit the box.
To form a relationship in this case, either of two things must be true: 1) either she must trust that the destabilization is worth it and the place the man is bringing her is better than the one she currently is at OR 2) she must have a box for that man.
This framing highlights the responsibility the woman has to form a meaningful, above-her-expectations relationship: either she must know how to manage the destabilisation process and fully trust the man or she must have developed a box for such a man through self-reflective work.
The woman also has a box for how she should act in response to a man. This is mostly shaped in response to her box of the man but also in response to what she has experienced throughout her life from other women/relationships.
While the above scenario can be completely reversed (swap ‘man’ and ‘woman’), it highlights the crucial impact the boxes we form have on our relationships. Build those boxes reflectively.
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* The process of ‘putting someone back in the box you have for them’ is commonplace: think of a situation where you meet a high school friend after many years: “Oh, but you love drinking” they say to you even though you haven’t had alcohol in years.
