Bad things will happen to you – losing a job, breaking up with a partner or the death of a loved one. Worse: they will happen to the people you love. Even worse: nobody prepares us how to be there for our loved ones when times are rough. Here are a few things I’ve learned:
(in no particular order; substitute “friend” as needed):
- Be present. Physical presence preferred.
- Create space for them to talk – but kill any pressure to do so. “Whenever you are ready to talk, I am here”, then sit next to them and be prepared to be there for hours if needed, in silence. Don’t be on your phone. Reading a book/newspaper, cooking, or cleaning etc is fine.
- Don’t make it about yourself. “I know what you’re going through, I remember when…” – not allowed. You don’t know what they are going through.
- Co-live the moment with them. Repeat back to them what they say but focus on the emotion: “You must have really felt love for him when he brought you flowers” after she recalls how her now-ex-boyfriend used to bring her flowers in the morning with a fragrant cup of Italian coffee. Also, co-living the moment will prepare you for situations when bad things happen to you.
- When your friend shares the bad news, hug them.
- Do stupid things with them. When the bad thing is really bad, your friend might come up with stupid things: travel 1000km in the middle of the night, throw bottles from the roof, or dig a hole. Do that with them. Try to keep it as safe and as legal as possible but some risk might be warranted. Don’t use reason and logic.
- Offer support unconditionally. Don’t hedge. Say “Just let me know if you need anything.”; don’t say “Just let me know if you need anything, unless I am busy”. The latter is implied: either the situation is urgent enough that whatever you are doing can wait (your friend is in jail, or worse…) or it’s not urgent and they will probably understand that you can call back/see them in 30 minutes.
- Don’t give advice. Help them figure out their own path. Exception: They explicitly ask you for advice (e.g. you’ve been in a similar situation). In that case, simply state what helped you but don’t imply that this is the way; go back to helping them figure out their own path.
- Ask them about their sleep. It’s a good indicator of where they are in the grieving process.
- Ask them what they want to do but don’t hesitate to take some initiative. Maybe they want to talk about it or maybe they won’t – make a decision first and adjust based on the response you get. Start talking about whatever happened – if they explicitly stop you, then stop. Move on to a different topic. However, as time moves on, feel free to ‘test’ whether it’s appropriate to go back – “I see you are a bit distracted, the breakup is tough isn’t it?” – adjust based on the response. Same goes for physical presence, touch etc.
-
Don’t ask silly things though. Don’t ask if they want water/coffee/food – just put it next to them.
-