But in all of those cases, we focus on the shortcut, the proxy, rather than our true desire... As useful as these proxies can be most of the time, in decisions that truly matter, we must remember that they are only proxies. We must optimize for what we truly desire - wisdom, mentorship, faithfulness - rather than its proxy... Proxies are only useful if you know they are proxies.
This is often the consequence of experiencing emotional extremes within the same context: we crave the next high. Every valley makes us feel like the peak is going to get us a high we've never experienced before. And so we mindlessly chase it like an addict... Replace that drug with something deep and meaningful. Something that makes your heart sing, your eyes relax and your soul breathe a sigh of fulfilment.
Hypothetical situations can be helpful in prompting you to abstract out situations based on your experience, but used beyond that, they can hold danger: forcing you to give an answer to a situation that you have little prior experience with, an answer that you later find out is at odds at with your deeper moral compass.
Great artists (be it musicians, painters, dancers, writers or creatives of any type) sometimes don't have any special skills, but one: taste. They have developed a discerning eye for what makes a great product or outcome... Great taste can help not only your creative professional aspirations, but your personal life as well: picking the right outfit, choosing your friends, or finding a partner.
Fortunately, with the advent of podcasts and social media, you have access to the private life of a lot of potential mentors. If you can compose an image of your perfect self, you can find people who possess some of your desired qualities. You can then follow those people to see how they think and act... Over time, with the help of your mentors, you will grow to be your perfect self.
...compromises can be a vicious, often unintended, slash across the open, vulnerable soul of your partner, across their core essence. But when compromises are approached reflectively, they have the potential to deepen the connection
By understanding yourself better, you naturally refine your box of the Other. This refinement is based on the premise that we all have not only a box of the Other but also a box of ourselves in relation to the Other. Through self-reflection — paced according to your own needs and supported by books and friends — you develop a more sophisticated worldview. Through that new lens, you no longer need to stare into the abyss of past experiences to learn how the box of the Other was built; all you will need is a quick peek, and that box will start morphing in wonderful, colourful ways.
Oh, and what beauty life holds once that door shuts. To know that your spouse will learn all your limitations and imperfections, and you will learn about them, and they will be there still. This act of extreme vulnerability holds potential for great wisdom and peace. There truly is no limitation on the resilience and strength we can muster once there is no back door.
On the one hand, you are likely to underestimate the value of existing traditions due to arrogance ("I know better than everyone else before me") or low tolerance for uncertainty ("This buzzfeed article supports my intuitions so let's stop the research process here and go with it"). On the other hand, you are likely to underestimate your own intuitions and desires due to dogmatism ("Let's just go with the status quo") or desire to make others happy ("I will do this for my friends even though this is not really what I want").
This framing highlights the responsibility the woman has to form a meaningful, above-her-expectations relationship: either she must know how to manage the destabilisation process and fully trust the man or 2) she must have developed a box for such a man through self-reflective work.
